My husband and I have always dreamed and talked about adoption, but could never agree on how – domestic, from foster care, international. Fostering was not something on my radar. Adoption seemed difficult enough but loving and giving back seemed impossible. I think God laughs at us when we think things are impossible. All the questions – how do we deal with the trauma? What about the safety of our biological kids? What happens if they return home? How do we deal with the grief?
So, through life circumstances – having babies, job changes, etc. – we never felt like it was the right time. Honestly, I think Rex would have said yes to adoption/fostering sooner than I would have, because he has always felt passionately that this was the avenue for us. I, on the other hand, took some time for God to work on my heart. Crazy how God works, but he slowly chipped away at my questions.
Trauma? It isn’t our job to fix trauma. We can love, work to connect, become educated, etc. but healing takes time. We work hard to talk with people who do know things about trauma and we get a plan in place and we do our best. We have learned to trust that God will equip and provide those that can help and insight into our kids and their needs.
Safety of our bio kids. This is a hard one, but God has shown me time and time again that He is trustworthy and faithful and loves my kids way more than I do. Yet, we live in a broken world, and we don’t know what the future holds. Rex and I put some standards in place, but also felt like if God was calling us into this, that He was faithful to protect. Through this journey thus far, we have never felt like the safety of our bio kids has been compromised. Have they had to sacrifice, yes. However, watching them grow, learn to manage, and deal with the emotions that come with this journey, have far outweighed any of the negatives.
Foster care and adoption means entering a family’s brokenness. We don’t just invite a child into our family, but their family as well. We learn to champion and encourage and love and support within healthy boundaries. This is scary, uncomfortable, difficult and yet this has been the most rewarding aspect of this journey. Supporting birth families, however possible.
The grief. When we enter willingly into brokenness, there will always be suffering and grief. When we received the call that baby W was going to be moved, it felt like a sucker punch to the gut. Yet, somehow, God makes it possible for us to open our hearts to love again. Before we said yes to fostering and knowing the grief would come, I had watched our boys grieve the move of two of our close family friends. It was hard. Yes, we keep in touch, but it was a deep loss. I also watched families deal with loss due to terminal illness and loss because of Covid. We’re not guaranteed anything, and grief will come. However, I can try and model how to love and grieve well to my boys.
Fostering is hard, but this is gospel work, and I see the Lord’s hand daily. It has crushed me, grieved me, and forever changed me. Yet our family mantra is, “we can do hard things.” Not because of our strength, but because in our weakness He is at work. We are all broken, all sinners saved by grace. We love because He first loved us. It is through His power, that we enter other people’s brokenness, just as Jesus entered into ours. It is beautiful, hard, heart wrenching, life changing gospel work.
Heather Wolf
Director of Church Outreach
